She’ll never know…and if she does she’ll never understand. Everything for a perfect relationship was in place, I flew from London to New York once every 2 and a half months. Travelled a total of 36,000 miles to be with her over the past 3 years.
I’d sing for her and to her and stay up to tell her about my latest jazz gig. We had a tree in London with our names on, like every couple we had ‘our’ places. The only difference being that the special places we shared were on different continents.
Everything was perfect on the surface but I was overly controlling, jealous and just generally annoying. When money wasn’t coming in as quickly, or to the level, it needed to and when my father became ill during a divorce I took it out on her.
And now she’s gone and wont talk to me. I’ve known her for 4 years, 3 in a relationship and now she wont talk to me. She had her problems, did some things I didnt agree with but I always stayed, I always worked for us.
Whilst she probably feels the best she has in ages, going to house parties etc I spend my time in coffee houses…Sinatra songs playing in my head, blaming myself.
I’ve lost my first love and probably the love of my life…just as I need her the most she has dropped me like the weight I probably became…I’m told “she has only just turned 20, what did you expect” but is that the reason?
Love is brilliant, exciting…its every good word there is…until it stops. Then the world becomes the darkest and coldest place. Those things I used to see which brought happiness and wonder now just bring pain. The day she finds someone knew…someone who wouldn’t wait like I did for her, who wouldn’t do the things we’ve done for each other is the day that I will lose all faith.
“Now listen up - it’s very slippery, so you gotta keep holding my hand, okay?”